somebody snuck up and got me drunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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