someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
