I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
