I think I am morally bankrupt
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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