I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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