just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she pinky promised me she was 18
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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