Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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