I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
