mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am spending my child support on dildos
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
