Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
