How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
