Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
