I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
