bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In other news, I just burned my penis
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
