I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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