ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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