On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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