My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
