Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
