Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
