The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize