ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
