4 words: hood of his car
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
