Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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