Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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