also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize