The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
