Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
