Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
