woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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