I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
false alarm, still single
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
