I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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