I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
