This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you had me at cake vodka
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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