Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
