i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
