i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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