U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
