I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
