You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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