i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
