Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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