I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
