i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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