Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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