I hate all girls vehemently.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Girls should come with a carfax report
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You are the jesus of drinking
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
