He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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