I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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