3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We need to rekindle our bromance
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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