why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize