I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
