i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
