I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's blow job season.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
