I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
