And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
