So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
